yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
