My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
