how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
