I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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