She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
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