I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
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