i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
