Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
