I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
