I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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