it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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