What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
