if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
