I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
