dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
