I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
