i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
