if you like me you must not know who I am
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
