bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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