i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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