I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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