I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
