I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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