your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
