Apparently you make a good broom.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
