idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
