Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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