false alarm. still invincible.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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