Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
