tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
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