And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize