I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I am midnight drunk by noon
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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