I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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