Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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