His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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