Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
We need a shit load of segways right now
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize