So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Randomize
