He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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