I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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