He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
