I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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