Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
