If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize