Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
