someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
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