I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
