Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
