JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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