I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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