Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
