U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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