You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
