I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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