Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize