mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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