i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
Randomize