my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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