meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Randomize
