I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
