Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
You are the jesus of drinking
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
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