So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
