ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
